Today in 1998

Today is a special day to me. It was on a Thursday, July 30, 1998 that I lost my life, my virginity, my future, and all that I stood for. I had lost the last of my parents three months before that. I had had to stop my education as well. My siblings and I were living in the rapist and his wife’s house at the time. I am the oldest and being female in a house with men who are not nuclear family in Zimbabwe is a serious threat to self when it comes to rape. There are many house girls who regularly are raped by the man of the house and get extra cash in return from him, without his wife knowing.
I remember the day very clearly, especially the fact that I had nobody to turn to after the rape. His wife was already ill and in need of a certain level of care, having been infected by the same man.

Blackmail

On 11/03/2008, I posted an intention to ask all former clients whose names I have in my diaries to contribute to the cost of looking after children with HIV or orphaned children in Zimbabwe or risk their names being published on the Internet. I thought many readers would appreciate that these men have no sense of loyalty or confidentiality since they were mostly married but had no problems visiting me for sex behind their wives backs, and paying me money obviously belonging to the family, for personal gratification, which they could have easily got from their wives free of any cost to the family. I was wrong. I have been accused of blackmailing people and deserving a prison sentence. I also got told that nobody would believe me and everyone would see it as just revenge for something I hold against the men whose names are published. Jo, the first man to offer to pay, pointed out that the list would not be fair since some people who may seem to be refusing to pay may well be dead. In that case the distress caused by the list would be untold.

At that point I relented. I will burn the diaries so that neither myself nor anyone finding them may not be tempted to use them in this manner in the future. The money to look after the children just has to be raised in some other manner. I think that it is the responsibility of all those alive to feed the children whose parents have died and left them too young to feed themselves. I was drawn into sex work exactly in this manner and now the cycle has gone full circle. I was added to the pool of those that are part and parcel of the problem.

The number of sex workers in Southern Africa and specifically Zimbabwe, is increasing because of hardships. A young girl who finds that she has a vagina that can earn her a good meal each day will not hasitate to use it. men with money are men with access to many such girls whom they share between themselves and condomlessly. Its not long before that young girl is infected and is infecting others accordingly.

Feed the orphans and let them be children for a while longer, and hopefully choose real men they can be in trusting relationships with. As soon as I found I was HIV positive, I removed my womb so I could never have children of my own to leave as orphans for someone else to feed.

Oral sex with a condom

Spoke to a group of girls yesterday about protection. Most say they have oral sex without a condom, then slip the condom onto the man for vaginal sex. I have done this myself many times, even after I knew I was HIV positive. Fluids from a man start flowing the moment he gets excited There will be lube, precum and finally semen. These all carry HIV and whether one takes it orally or vaginally is really not important. The point is to avoid HIV.

So how practical is oral sex with a condom. I do not think many men would like it. So better not to start it in the first place, if a condom is not favoured.

Also remember, once a man is erect he has no brain power till he ejaculates. Don't expect him to think.

Condoms are expensive.

Will I reach 30?

I think I am beginning to believe that I could reach 30. The life expectancy of women in Zimbabwe is 32. I could just reach that. I feel OK and I have been good. I am energetic and feel strong. Those who gamble could take bets on whether I will publish anything after my 30th birthday.

My boyfriend even says we should get married if or when I get to 30.

Zimbabwe army using rape as campaign tool

The Zim army is using rape as a campaign tool in many areas. Many women suspected of being married or related to opposition members are invariably raped.

Now consider that 57% of the army personnel are HIV positive. Also consider that when they rape a woman, they gang rape, usually more than five men at a time, and usually publicly so all can see and be afraid. Nobody will ever be arrested for this because anything political is not a crime in Zimbabwe while ZANU PF is in power.

If a soldier sees a good looking woman in the local area, All he has to do is accuse her of being opposition in order to rape her.

Now shut your eyes and imagine HIV dynamics in Zimbabwe. Nobody cares, Nobody will ever care, nobody has cared in the past.

Why do I think I am close to death?

I always feel I am not far from my death. HIV is mentally reducing, I have no ambitions left. Its only whether I will be here next year or not.

But I am fine. Was talking to a friend in London who had her baby over five years after becoming positive. Baby is now 7 and my friend is working as a nurse. She is happy and settled. yet I can't settle.

Israel as a country and Fascism

I have been sitting here wondering why Israel is such a hugely fascist country. I mean the way they hate Palestinians and blacks is just amazing. Its just like Nazis used to hate the Jews. In my Country, Zimbabwe, Israel works closely with Mugabe and has done so since 2000 when democratic awareness started. Israel responded by selling sophisticated riot control water cannons to Mugabe, knowing what they would be used for.
It was Israel that provided a video used to attempt to convict Morgan Tsvangirai on made up treason charges.

As if that was not enough, they provided, together with China, sophisticated Internet and facsimile monitoring equipment to track messages between citizens for the purpose of secret murders and beatings.

Now during the election, Israel assisted Mugabe to rig election. Why does Israel hate us, blacks, so much? What have we ever done to them? You woud think that a country made up of former victims of fascism would set an example to the rest of the world on how to behave. Some Hitler really rubbed off onto them. Their friend Mugabe even boasts of being a Hitler, but they do not see anything wrong in that.